Break out kings: A night in a police cell

02 May

Drum rolls ladies and gentle men,the show for your viewing today is:


In order to catch escaped convicts, a squad of U.S. Marshals makes a special deal with several current prisoners. If they agree to help, their sentences will be reduced by one month for each fugitive they bring in and they will be transferred to a minimum-security facility. However, if any of them should try to escape, they will all be returned to their original prisons and their sentences will be doubled.

 Second year of campo was one i vividly remember for  many reasons,be it my new mastery of cheap gins and spirits,the new crib(i had since moved out of hostels)…..well you get the picture.Now just a couple of weeks after going back to campo for the first semester i was back at it again,the random plots

My room mate one Martin aka Marto had not yet reported so my tantrums had been inhibited for lack of a right man,well a couple of days  later he got back to campo and after tongue lashing about how siku hizi hawezi tegemeka,he decided the only way to calm our nerves was to get us drunk enough to induce amnesia.

‘Nyamira’, some shady joint  off campo was the destination 20 minutes later.Being just a couple of weeks after opening,money was @ un manageable levels,am talking CBK  levels.So it was no surprise that our joint was jam packed.No seats in sight.

“Nyamira,mbili mbili kwa hapa nje”,and by mbili he meant two bottles of frothy delight EABL style.

“Oya,marto barley ime isha,labda president”-right there is where i should have said no and walked back to campo but since he was buying,” mwambie alete,kwanza ni how much?”  “50 bob!”

yes good people,finje tu!

Now i didn’t require Calculus to do the math…500 bob would buy me 10 bottles,I should have known 10 is like a death wish…..a coupe of hours later,several trips to the loo,the occasional tot of viceroy and 9 bootles down,the urge was irrefutable!, lazima ningeenda tao.

So me,Marto and my 10 th bottle board a matatu to town,I close my eys and what seems like a minute later I was in tao.

“jaymo amka!Ama ume chew black out? ”

“Boss hizi vitu zako zime ni beba na vile nilikuwa nazitharau.Uko sure ziko legal?” I retorted to Marto

“wacha ufala unasema wewe! mimi ata sion poa “….paid the conductor and we were on our way.

Know if u read the Bible you will recall a verse talking about how a blind man cannot lead another. Well we were obviously in violation of scripture because Iwas leading Marto to God knows where! The confidence ii was exhibiting was remarkable,the next thing i remember was this undying need to sit down having walked for what seemed as eternity.

“tuketi nje ya club angalau” i told Marto

“Aya basi kaka”

That was a bad idea but i was to find out the hard way,Nje ya club Jaymo and marto sat,actually dozed off.Next thing was….a deep kalenjin accent.

“Vichana nyinyi ndio mungiki mna iba watu? Wapi ID?”  “Sina iliibwa jana”

” basi ingia kwa mariamu utajua kwenye iko ukiwa OB”

Then it hits me,Cops!so being the typical Kenyan i am,i produce a crisp 200 bob note and give the boys in Blue..bad idea

“Gichana una honga Serikali na mia mbili,ingia ndani!!” so me an marto are tossed in the back, Besigye style-am guessing Uganda’s leader of opposition would relate-

Next thing i know am in a police station,yet somehow my alcohol is not wearing off!!

After giving our names ,belts,shoelaces,phones,cash….we are thrown in what he calls ‘Lodging ya serikali’

Inside I almost crack in laughter,there are like 14 guys  from  campo I know,all drunk and obviously no one bothered with their current abode.

What I like about drunk people is they don’t care,because as soon as I entered the cell i promptly picked a corner and dozed,without a care in the world.

5.45am am woken up buy un familiar noises,screams actually.I lazily open my eyes only to be hit by the worst thing you want to wake up to,some dude pissing on the wall…..flash back….Shit! am in a cell…..

Remember the guy pissing on the wall,he looks at me scornfully “una angalia nini?Ngombe wewe,ebu jipe shughuli” yeah right like i was looking at him relieve his bladder

“Marto amka,tuko cell jamaa”…he is obviously startled.Its time to think and fast.

Now anyone who has been a guest of the state will tell you that at exactly 6:00am,when other law abiding Kenyans are asleep,inmates are usually getting their first role call of the day taken.

We promptly line up against the wall,making sure not to lock eyes with other inmates or the officer on duty.

He walks up to me,gives me a weird look an asks “kijana,ulishikwa lini?”

“jana usiku afande”  I respond  “inaonekana hapa ulikuwa drunk and disorderly,kijana unajifunza kunywa?”

I look up to him with the Dog ate my homework look and say,”mkubwa,sio hivyo!”

He does the same to Marto,then proceeds to leave the cell.

Its now 6:40am,the alcohol has worn off,the hangover has kicked in,and my head hurts….the room is stuffy,i need to relieve myself,am thirsty and yes,in a cell

“Jaymo una pesa ngapi kwa mfuko”,Marto asks

“Kitu 700” mbona “ita bidii tu hongee makarao”..

I peep through the bars and call out to the cop,tell him my intentions and he tells me to hold on.

Minutes later,he is back “leteni 500 each,mtokee kama wanafunzi” I quickly collect the money from the other jammas,total 8000bob and promptly give him.

A hour later he is back,opens the door and tells us we are free to go! Yes ladies and gentlemen,i oiled the wheels of justice.

Shoelaces,belt and phone later am a free man!

Back to freedom albeit 500 bob broker.One thing clear am not drinking President again

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Posted by on May 2, 2011 in Humour, MEMORIES.


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